Sunday, May 3, 2009

The Face Behind The Fingers


So there I am.

I turned 39 a little while ago. Whoa! 39! I read someone's quote not long ago, of course I can't remember who it was, that she always had the feeling that everyone else her age was a grown-up, but she was an imposter. I feel like that too, and I suppose so many of us do. When I look in the mirror the wrinkles and white hair are right there with me, but inside I'm still trying to grow up, mature, be an adult.

When I think of it as a continuum stretching on into infinity, that helps some. I'm the "grown up" in the house because I've learned that dishes need to get done at least once a day, even though it's not necessarily fun, and my sense of time tells me that next month is coming and we should plan for that a little. It's not much maybe, not the pinnacle of sagedom, but enough to keep the household running.

That's enough of a base to operate from, to explore reality on all its levels as it unfolds. When I'm 79, or 89, or dead and whatever else lies beyond, I'll keep working on that.

So I guess I don't need to feel like a grown-up, because I'm not. I'm just where I'm at right now. 39, in this timeline.

There's so much I don't know...

4 comments:

CONSTANTINE said...

Nice picture! Been awhile since I've commented. I hope all is well.

Yeah--age and/or time is a slippery thing.

Madcap said...

Good morning, Constantine. Yes, I think all is well. I hope the same is true for you and yours.

Time is slippery, isn't it? When I was younger it seemed more sternly linear, but now that I'm further along I think differently about it and how it curves and loops. More like a lemniscate, perhaps.

Deb said...

Lovely photo, Madcap! I am so shy about my appearance these days that I end up erasing most photos of myself. Maybe I'll get over it and accept myself, for better or worse, at 42.

I think I understand what you say about running the household. There are so many things that just need to get done, and everyone else does not get it!!!

Madcap said...

Hi Deb,

Thanks! Mostly I avoid the camera too. (Notice - only a head shot!) I guess partly that's a good thing, not to be constantly referencing to the mirror, but part of it is also that shyness.

Yes - so many things that need to get done, and they're important even when they're "not" important. For instance, someone left a big plastic bag on the bathroom floor early yesterday evening. I noticed it, but didn't pick it up. I wanted to see if anyone else would. Nope. Still there this morning after everyone going through the morning routine. I try not to get to uptight about tidiness, and I'm a naturally messy person myself who fights it all the time, but geez! I hate creeping chaos! And then I go on to wonder how many things I don't notice too. Probably lots.

Sigh.