Thursday, October 24, 2013

The last few days I've been thinking often of Jim. He meant a lot to me. Maybe he hooked into my sense of archetype. I certainly never thought it while he was alive, that he meant more to me than just being a person I cared for, but now I often feel like he's there behind the curtain, pushing things out for my consideration. There are things I never guessed at.

Even that I would think that he's there. How odd.

I can feel November pushing in. I can feeling myself sinking into the underworld of myself. There's a lot of darkness to explore. Jim, hold my hand.

He used to talk about his relationships, the freedom of it, the wildness. I didn't understand. I think I'm beginning to now. It's not all relentless summer, is it, sometimes it's gaping mouths and stolen breath and tears and blood on the ground. Obsession twisting through your guts. Sometimes you're driven to idiocy, and even while you watch yourself you're doing it again. Freak almighty.

I've had this thought for years, that basically the universe works for the benefit of all. This fall I just don't know. Maybe it is about power and grasping. Thanatos is in the driver's seat, and Eros is just along for the ride, checking her lipstick in the passenger mirror.