Thursday, October 24, 2013

The last few days I've been thinking often of Jim. He meant a lot to me. Maybe he hooked into my sense of archetype. I certainly never thought it while he was alive, that he meant more to me than just being a person I cared for, but now I often feel like he's there behind the curtain, pushing things out for my consideration. There are things I never guessed at.

Even that I would think that he's there. How odd.

I can feel November pushing in. I can feeling myself sinking into the underworld of myself. There's a lot of darkness to explore. Jim, hold my hand.

He used to talk about his relationships, the freedom of it, the wildness. I didn't understand. I think I'm beginning to now. It's not all relentless summer, is it, sometimes it's gaping mouths and stolen breath and tears and blood on the ground. Obsession twisting through your guts. Sometimes you're driven to idiocy, and even while you watch yourself you're doing it again. Freak almighty.

I've had this thought for years, that basically the universe works for the benefit of all. This fall I just don't know. Maybe it is about power and grasping. Thanatos is in the driver's seat, and Eros is just along for the ride, checking her lipstick in the passenger mirror.


clairesgarden said...

aw, you sound very melancholy. its the time of year, I take it things are getting darker and colder ... it makes life seem harder sure enough.

Madcap said...

Hey there Claire, I think I'm over it now. It was a dark night. Thanks.

Alecto said...

DAMN, Woman. Dark or otherwise, that was a fine piece of writing.

And telling. It is surely telling.


gfid said...

..... Gaia is in the garden with dirt on her knees and under her fingernails. She doesn't go out much.

Mercutio said...

I wonder about such things on occasion myself; whether the benevolence of the universe is merely a convenient fiction.
There are a number of issues I have with such a position, and this is just the one that happens to be on my mind right now:

In all instances in nature where a balance or some manner of equilibrium have been achieved, there is movement; to and fro. It is only the time-frame which permits the motion to be disregarded.

Perhaps it is the case that, on occasion, the universe is horribly inefficient in allocation and exploitation of resources.