And may I say, first of all, that I'm far from enchanted with Blogger's new publishing format. I rarely come here anymore. Maybe I have no right to complain, but for the love of the crows! Do I want to alert someone on Google so they'll notice me? I do not. Please don't ask me again.

When people notice me these days it seems to be in the strangest ways. Yesterday afternoon I was in the line-up at the grocery till with my few party supplies on the way into the city. An older man, probably in his late seventies, early eighties, queued up behind me, took a look at my stuff and sneered.

"You must be pretty goddamn lazy," he told me.

I was astonished. Usually they wait until at least the second date, you know?

"Pardon me?" You see how cutting I can be on the spur of the moment like that.

"You can't be bothered to whip your own goddamn cream? You have to buy it in a can?"

"I'm traveling to a party in the city!"

"Oh. Oh, okay then." And he proceeded to show me what he was buying, and grilled me on Ukrainian Christmas festive cooking, which test I failed miserably. Not only goddamn lazy, but goddamn ignorant too.

Just let me hide.

The last few days I've been thinking often of Jim. He meant a lot to me. Maybe he hooked into my sense of archetype. I certainly never thought it while he was alive, that he meant more to me than just being a person I cared for, but now I often feel like he's there behind the curtain, pushing things out for my consideration. There are things I never guessed at.

Even that I would think that he's there. How odd.

I can feel November pushing in. I can feeling myself sinking into the underworld of myself. There's a lot of darkness to explore. Jim, hold my hand.

He used to talk about his relationships, the freedom of it, the wildness. I didn't understand. I think I'm beginning to now. It's not all relentless summer, is it, sometimes it's gaping mouths and stolen breath and tears and blood on the ground. Obsession twisting through your guts. Sometimes you're driven to idiocy, and even while you watch yourself you're doing it again. Freak almighty.

I've had this thought for years, that basically the universe works for the benefit of all. This fall I just don't know. Maybe it is about power and grasping. Thanatos is in the driver's seat, and Eros is just along for the ride, checking her lipstick in the passenger mirror.