Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Sap Rising


Photo credit: bosela from morguefile.com

In Chinese medicine terms, spring is the season that correlates with the Wood element; rising energies, forward motion, plans and instigations. The organs associated are Liver and Gall-bladder. The colour is green, the positive emotion is benevolence, as in benevolent action towards promoting justice, the negative emotion is ANGER.

I'm feeling a lot of Wood energy this morning, this month. Sometimes it's anger, but overall it's like I'm finally returning to my original nature, my natural disposition towards creativity, planning, making things happen. Lord, it's been such a long time... Years. Finally I'm not trudging through depression anymore - it's spring in every sense!

And part of this is that I'm pushing some issues that were in danger of being left to die a slow death. Last fall I found out that a practitioner had been slagging me and my husband online. Talk about angry! And as hard as that was, and as angry as I was, I think it really lit the fire under my ass that has warmed me into action and interaction with life again.

A few weeks ago, after months of silence from the regulating board, I wrote an e-mail asking what had happened to my case, since I hadn't heard anything since the initial reception. That was difficult for me to do. A part of me wants to just let it fall between the cracks, the part of me that feels like everything is actually my fault, and that any grievance I have against anyone else will turn on me and become my own death sentence. But I took a big breath and wrote it anyway. My rational mind knows that what went down was completely out of bounds, and happened even before I had any significant dealings with this person, and that an impartial third party has no choice but to recognize that, especially since I have it in writing. I try to listen to my rational mind.

Yesterday I received a letter in the mail, stating that the grievance process was going forward, and scheduling an appointment with us to take our oral statements. Everything in me that had been dormant leapt into overdrive; anxiety, anger. Since then I've been trying to round up these wild cows and refocus. But jeepers - the anger is huge and explosive, the anxiety runs my heart a little faster, worries me into taking some of the blame for something I never had a hand in. Good thing I've opened a more constructive outlet for it. More constructive than the violence I'd begun to fantasize about, anyway. Destructive for her, possibly. Constructive for me. And ultimately, if it deconstructs her hubris towards clients, that's a win for her too, though I'm sure it won't feel like it at the time. And for her other clients, whom I assume she treats in the same way. Though maybe not so much anymore, since she's been found out.

I used to be a very angry person all the time, and I trained myself out of it. Part of that was religious ideals, part of it was sheer practicality. Ya gotta get along to get along, you know? Inviting people to f*** off and die doesn't usually help matters much, in any situation. But I trained myself too well. I trained myself into something I'm not, and it was killing me. This rising sap that's so much a part of my make-up needs to be acknowledged, because it's the source of my creation and the fantasies that lead to action. My sparkling frustration is a signal that something is NOT RIGHT. And that's good to know. Now I need to learn to take those sparks and light a torch that can lead me into parts unknown, to slay the dragons that decimate the inner countryside.

Speaking of dragons... I actually have a bit of an affinity for them, my last phrase notwithstanding. Not Disney dragons, or dragons as a symbol of evil, but Chinese dragons. In Asian culture, dragons are water spirits, a good omen. I once had a marvellous dream about a cloud dragon, twisting in the mist in front of me. I'm not sure what it meant, but I tucked it away in my heart and think about it from time to time. It's a something. Someday I think I'll know.

5 comments:

CONSTANTINE said...

Hi M,
Your use of the word "hubris" got me to thinking a bit and reminded me of one thing that I've longed despised--pretension. Behaviors and actions--the spirit that projects from arrogance--is so destructive and dismissive. It has the power to dismantle others at the level of the soul. It's one thing to be calmly confident, to project a centered assurance, even to be appropriately assertive, but hubris...it's so ugly.

Here's to Chinese dragons and a bowl of thick, red, clover soup!

Madcap said...

Hmm. Something's a bit wonky with my blog this morning - can't get into anything from the page itself, I have to sign in and do it from the dashboard. Weird.

Anyway. Yes, there's a lot of arrogance out there, and it's really supported by the dominant culture. It's very embarrassing, all the websites with their "testimonials" and self-proclamations of personal amazingness and utter competence. Good grief. If you're that good, do you really need to advertise? Surely word will get around on its own?

It's really fostered within the alternative medicine community too, slightly more subtly (only slightly), impressing on therapists what a responsibility they have for bringing their clients "into the light". Makes me want to spit. As if I have more of an inline to the spirit just because I took a massage course, or an acupuncture course, or whatever.

Mercutio said...

I was unaware that you were going through such a thing. I am very sorry for you that this would happen, as I see you to be a darned good person.
I've had a bit of trouble with others who would slam me online as well. The claims are fairly ridiculous on their face, but they were hurtful nevertheless. In talking about this, I have found that another that I know had suffered a similar experience. That was like a refreshing wind in a stale and empty room. He understood.
But this type of thing is becoming much too common. It's sad, that. But I suppose the technology allows people to release what is already within them to a greater magnitude. It can weigh on one's heart to be confronted with the childishness of adults, and slowly erode our faith in the world and goodwill. Too many times I have seen people injured on account of their goodness, and by those with no useful purpose.
I was reading the other day from my own scriptures, and it was talking about how we should extend loving-kindness to everyone, etc. But then it said that there are three types of people that we should never do this to: the tyrant, the liar, and those who steal. It goes on to say that these three are only encouraged to further bad action in receiving loving-kindness.
The fact of the matter is that anger is sometimes justified. But to turn it inward results in depression, and that is not a comfortable thing (or healthy).
In my experience, forgiveness is a healthier option, though it can be difficult. I'm talking about having compassion and understanding for the one who has hurt you. Sometimes the end result is pity for the one whose development is restricted. But I want to be clear that that is not to imply that the matter should be swept under the rug, or the behaviors allowed to continue. Others might see this as an empty form of forgiveness, but it's really about clarifying intent; to pursue justice rather than hurtfulness for its own sake.
The wounds are real, and you are entitled to your own feelings. I don't care so much for confrontation myself, and I can see that you don't either.
The fact that you can see the negative effects of this person's harmful behaviors on others inclines me to believe that you will pull through this. But to turn aside from the pursuit of justice would be to give assent to the harm which has been done to you. I would hate to see that happen. Remaining silent about the matter is one thing that allows it to continue.
You are a strong spirit. I admire that. I would hate to see that diminished.

CG said...

for some reason I'm just now reading this. Sounds familiar, not the depressed part but the part where I think Shiva is going to dance his dance of destruction across me. Even when I know what I am doing/have done is right and good and all. And I am even in a situation now . . . and you know what, I'm at peace with it in a very different way and the reason I think is because there are actually people defending me, I'm not even there -- they are defending me and I don't need defending is how it is in my mind -- I didn't do anything wrong -- and it is good. Maybe for the first time in my adult life I have real friends.

Madcap said...

Mercutio - I guess that now that I've set the ball in motion, it's all going to go ahead regardless of my shifting inclinations. I'm not sure about my feelings regarding it all. It kind of depends on the day. But forgiveness... I don't really know the value of it, or what it means. Usually forgiveness seems to be called out when there's been a breach of trust, and to me, that's more an issue of wait-and-see, I'll watch your actions for a few years and see if you warrant trusting again. Or if forgiveness is just me not being attached to anger, then why does it have another name? Just things I think about. I hope things are well in your corner of the world.

CG - Not so much about you needing defense, and the world needing to hear what's real, and people needing to speak it.
I was just reading about a Shiva-legend recently; interesting that you brought his name up! No coincidences...